There are three fires within five miles of my house. Apparently people interpret “high wildfire danger” as “throw your damn cigarettes out the window of your car.”
The Further Adventures of Bob and Katie
"I thought you spoke Elf, Bob."
"I do! I do speak Elf. Just not the same Elf these elves speak.”
"These elves aren’t speaking Elf. That’s what you’re trying to tell me. It’s not that you don’t speak Elf, oh no. They just aren’t speaking Elf right. Or what, maybe they’re speaking Troll just to confuse you?”
"I don’t know, Katie, I don’t speak Troll. And it’s not like you’ve got a lot of room to talk, Lady The-Dragon-Is-Probably-A-Metaphor-For-A-Good-Net-Profit.”
"In my defense, the dragon’s name did translate to An Excellent Gross Profit But A Poor Net Gain.”
"Leaf leaf springtime flowers dancing dragon? Eternal youth magic magic human baby *hand gesture hand gesture*.” [“Wait, why are these people talking about a dragon? We don’t need this shit, somebody go find somebody who speaks Human.”]
"Shit. What did they just say, Bob? What did they just say? Please tell me they don’t want us to drop a human baby off with a goddamned dragon in exchange for a bunch of crap we’ll barely clear customs fees and tariffs on. Because I distinctly heard ‘human baby’ and ‘dragon’ in there with all the flutey bird-twitter nonsense. ’Dragon’ means something else in Elf, right? Something besides huge, fire-breathing reptile of doom and despair?"
“‘Dragon’ is actually a loan-word from High Everything, back when Perfect Atlantean Stand-In Civilization ruled the world, so ‘dragon’ means ‘dragon’ no matter who’s saying it. It’s actually kind of funny—”
"Nothing about this is funny, Bob."
"Tree nature babbling brook dragon winter, magic pretty we hate iron.” [“They keep saying dragon, guys, I get the feeling they’re really bad news.”]
"Ah, fuck, they just said it again! I definitely heard ‘dragon’ in there! Do something, Bob!"
"We could, uh, we could run away?"
"Yes, let’s run away. Let’s run away very quickly."
"Leaf grass open meadow mushroom! Dragon mushroom spring rain pointy ears! Arrows!" ["They’re running away! They must have been trying to warn us about a dragon! Follow them to safety!"]
"They’re chasing us, Bob. The elves who don’t speak Elf are chasing us. We’re going to die."
"Probably, but if we live, I’m swearing eternal vengeance on the chick who taught me Elf."